Metal Detecting Trolls

  • December 16, 2015

In case anyone forgot the Merriam-Webster definition of hobby, allow me to provide a quick refresher… a hobby is defined as an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure. With that being said, let me be very clear… I dig for me. I write for me. If you’d like to follow my adventures–regardless of how fruitful the discoveries–than I’m just tickled pink, but if you’re going to be that heckler on the sidelines… then move along already.

I apologize for opening on such a sour note, but I had a moment of weakness yesterday. I hate to admit this, but I actually considered shutting down my YouTube Channel, my public Facebook, my personal Facebook, and my blog… but then I drank a Rolling Rock, watched Last Man on Earth, and decided to sleep on the ordeal before making a decision…

This morning I woke up and… brewed a cup of coffee, fed the dogs, let the dogs out, took a shower, dressed for work, fed the cat, changed a diaper, made breakfast, packed two lunches, searched for matching socks… gave up on matching socks, searched for clean socks, reheated my coffee, changed another diaper, and scrubbed pancake syrup off the sofa cushion with a wet sponge. After re-reheating my coffee for the ninth time, I found refuge on the couch beside my son.

My son watches this show called Uncle Grandpa. I’m not all that clear on the story line but–from what I understand–a talking pizza slice, a giant dinosaur man, a realistic flying tiger, and an uncle-grandpa/brother-dad take unsuspecting children on pointless misadventures into alternate dimensions. The episodes only last about eleven minutes… but that’s eleven minutes I could spend folding matching socks or cleaning the litter box.

Rather than persuade my son to change the channel this morning, I decided to enjoy my coffee and contemplate the wisdom of Belly Bag–the talking fanny pack, for those of you who are not familiar with the cartoon. As crazy as this may sound, Uncle Grandpa clicked with me this morning. The strange little man in rainbow suspenders clocked me upside the head. Had I been a pimply-faced-cartooned-adolescent seeking help with a problem, he probably would have dragged me on a chaotic misadventure through the space-time continuum.

I’m not–however–a pimply-faced-cartooned-adolescent. I’m a twenty-something-year-old juggling a family, an education, a career, and a hobby… er.. three-and-a-half hobbies give or take. I have about as much for an Uncle Grandpa adventure–eleven minutes to be exact–as I do for an ugly internet troll clawing its way out from under a bridge to get my goat. (Bud Dum Tsss.)

You’re probably wondering how Uncle Grandpa granted me such clarity. He is–after all–nothing more than a poorly executed cartoon character with a talking fanny pack. It just so happens that this particular episode was called Internet Troll. In this brief featurette, Uncle Grandpa and his bipedal talking dinosaur venture into cyberspace to put a stop to an evil internet troll–a hideous creature that may or may not be the spitting image of my arch-nemesis.

The episode was outrageous… almost as outrageous as allowing this internet troll to get the better of me. I decided that my best bet was to banish the creature back under her bridge to exhaust her only talent of … getting goats. In the meantime, I need to continue doing what I do best–embarking on grand adventures into the great unknown… of South Central Pennsylvania, writing a kick-ass blog, and making friends along the way.

I may have ruffled a hair or two on the internet troll’s chin, but one lousy troll won’t break my spirits. I’ve come too far to throw in the towel. If one internet troll is the price I pay for doing something I love… then so be it. I’ve made more friends than enemies in this hobby–which is more than I can say for some. Those friends are worth tolerating the occasional appearance of my arch-nemesis. For the record, I’m talking about the friends I’ve made on social media AND the friends I’ve ambushed for permission to detect their property… you know who you are.

HH…. and be careful of those internet trolls.